Please Read EVERYONE - Abusive Relationships

To all my friends. Please Read and Forward to anyone you know particularly if they're in an abusive relationship.

I wanted to send this to everyone as it helped me a lot when I was going through difficult times in my life. It served as a very useful checklist (it's right at the bottom of the page) to monitor my own abusive behaviour (and helped me to turn myself around in 12 months, along with daily ish meditation, love and support from social services, friends and family, and time to myself).  

It then helped me to monitor the behaviour of my partner, who then became abusive himself. 

(Someone suggested to me recently that a woman often becomes abusive physically when her partner is oppressing her or provoking her psychologically, I am not sure of my professional opinion on this one but it does ring true that if I had had proper support as a mother from the start from my partner, family and friends, I would have been better off). 

Physical abuse is easy to categorise and record. Psychological is harder, or was for me - maybe if you've grown up around lots of violence or physical abuse though, you think about it as normal and don't realise it's wrong.  Financial abuse is even harder for me and is going on right now for me :-/ not sure what to do :-/

With all relationships - romantic, friendships, family, work, on the street - you have to be strong within yourself and truly love yourself in order to notice its happening, and record it, and talk about it. Understanding what abuse really is helped me here: an abusive relationship is not just physical!              

Family abuse may be the hardest to heal for some, for others maybe other kinds.  Long established, long ignored or undiscussed patterns can be present here but they can be healed just by talking about abuse definitions for example, show them this email)   

Check the list below to see whether any of your relationships in life contain elements of abuse. I think many of them probably will, to varying degrees! We are progressing as a planet towards peace, love, recognition that we are all united as one, all related to one another. 

We are luckier here in this country than in others, but we have a way to go, and some of us are further along the path than others.

The key is not to label an abuser as a demon. (But do not let your love and compassion for them make too many excuses for them so that you're staying with them hoping they'll change - they can change but you don't have to stay with them to do that and it may take them years - your safety is paramount at all times) 

There is a potential abuser in all of us to varying degrees - I'm not trying to sound nasty here or doom and gloom but I really feel that given the right circumstances - stress, oppression, constant abuse by another, isolation from those who love us, abandonment by loved ones, bereavement, having a child, etc. all of us can turn nasty, some more so than others, dependent on upbringing and stress levels.  

BUT to lighten the mood it is important to remember that there is a seed of good - love, compassion, tenderness, forgiveness, hope, redemption, the desire to heal oneself - in all of us. If you look your abuser in the eyes (look in the mirror if it's you lol!) and look for this seed of our inner angel, our higher or Jesus / Mother Theresa etc self (mind you even these guys weren't 100% perfect!) then you will find it and it can be a lifesaver. 

Even children can be abusive by the way, if we allow them to control us and accept too much bad behaviour from them putting it down to age, don't stand up for ourselves. There's no need to shout at them or smack them, that brings you down to their level and is probably illegal (any smack that leaves even reddening of the skin is illegal BUT psychological abuse of a child is illegal so can you be sure that your punishment methods are not psychologically damaging in any way?) and from personal experience, if you can't control your hand when angry, you HAVE to tell yourself that all smacking, shaking, rough handling, shouting is illegal so that your subconscious has clear boundaries). 

Babies and children do pick up abusive behaviour from their families even in the womb AND another key thing to remember is WE are the key to our own healing. To a degree, if we are being abused we are LETTING the other person do it to us. A key step to escape from the situation is to walk out and leave ASAP (leave a child in a safe place, screaming, and take a breather for a few minutes, realise you've done nothing wrong. This is NSPCC advice) 

You do not have to accept bad behaviour from your child - it can learn to be polite much earlier than you might think - teaching it to talk will help it transition away from baby crying as it will learn throughout its lifetime to communicate its feelings in a sophisticated way. But meanwhile, while it's learning to talk, (and it will take it all of its life, with the right teachers, to really become perfect!) get regular breaks. Listening to hours of screaming is no good for anyone, you do not have to listen to it!) and make a mental note to love yourself above all others, protect and nurture yourself, create the best life for yourself with ultimate happiness, and stand up for yourself calmly and peacefully, communicatively if necessary.   

The NSPCC have excellent advice here.

The eyes are the windows of the soul, and soul to soul contact in this way can be very transformative where words are simply harming.  

We can all change and heal ourselves if we choose to. And fortunately, by healing ourselves, a ripple effect happens and others in our lives become healed too! We can also heal others through intervention if things are dangerous, using professional services and speaking out.  

This is vital - when I was with Matt, noone even suggested that I leave him (or that he leave me?Also, few people even helped us get professional help - I had to beg Matt to book me a GP appointment to sort out my own abusive tendencies!! So if you suspect a friend or family member is being abused, be frank and direct - say exactly what you think - interfering is GOOD if it saves someone's life, their sanity, their emotional health) despite knowing what was going on! I think this is because we were 'married with a kid'. I have come to realise there is a massive social stigma here, poisoned by the viperous media. 'Stay with your partner no matter what, unless he/she starts to hit you' Wrong! If you wait until then, it's possibly too late!  

In comparison, when I had boyfriends, people were quite happy to tell me to leave them if I so much as complained about minor things they'd done!  What an awful thing, in this day and age of supposed female liberation? And men probably have the same problem?  

The list, taken from 'Mankind' website. 

Obviously, where it says 'male' it can also mean 'female' 'transgender' or 'child'

One in Six Men will be a Victim of Domestic Abuse  in their Lifetime. One in Four Women.   Transgender - In a survey of 403 transgender people, 78% reported having been verbally harassed and 48% reported having been victims of assault, including assault with a weapon, sexual assault or rape. (Wilchins, R., Lombardi, E., Priesing, D. and Malouf, D. (1997) First national survey of transgender violence. Gender Public Advocacy Coalition.)   

If you are a Victim  

YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME  

YOU ARE NOT 'WEAK'  

YOU ARE NOT ALONE 

Call 01823 334244  

WHAT IS DOMESTIC ABUSE?  

The Government definition of domestic abuse is:  Any incident or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional) between adults who are or have been intimate partners or are family members, regardless of gender or sexuality. This not only includes physical violence but other types of abuse such as verbal abuse, threatening behaviour, emotional/psychological abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse, isolation and false allegations.  

It can happen to any person, no matter what background, age, job, race or sexuality, we are here to give all the support we can.  

Examples of power and control:  Abusers believe they have a right to control their partners by:  

Telling them what to do and expecting obedience  

Using force to maintain power and control 

Not accepting responsibility for the abuse – not their fault 

Forced marriage   

Examples of physical abuse include:

Being kicked, punched, pinched, slapped, choked and bitten 

Use or threats of use of ‘weapons’ including knives and irons 

Being scalded or poisoned 

Objects being thrown 

Violence against family members or pets 

Wilfully stopping fathers from seeing their children by breaching court orders  

Examples of verbal abuse:  

Constant yelling and shouting 

Verbal humiliation either in private or in company 

Constantly being laughed at and being made fun of  

Blaming you for their own failures  

Examples of threatening behaviour:  

The threat of violence  

The threat of use of ‘weapons’ including knives and irons 

The threat of use of violence against family members or pets 

Threatening to use extended family members to attack you 

Destroying personal items 

Threatening to tell the police that you are the person committing the domestic abuse 

Threatening to remove your children

Examples of Emotional and Psychological Abuse:  

Intimidation Withholding affection 

Turning your children and friends against you 

Being stopped from seeing friends or relatives 

Constantly being insulted, including in front of others 

Repeatedly being belittled 

Keeping you awake/stopping you sleeping 

Excessive contact, for example stalking 

Using social media sites to intimidate you (such as Facebook and Twitter)  

Examples of Financial Abuse:  

Totally controlling the family income

Not allowing you to spend any money unless ‘permitted’ 

Making you account for every pound you spend 

Running up huge bills such as credit/store cards in your name 

Purposely defaulting on payments  

Examples of Sexual Abuse:  

Sexual harassment/pressure 

Forcing sex after physical assaults 

Sexually degrading language 

Rape  

Examples of Isolation:  

Limiting outside involvement such as family, friends and work colleagues 

Not allowing any activity outside the home that does not include her 

Constant checking up on your whereabouts  

Examples of False Allegations:  

Telling the police that you are the one committing the domestic abuse when it is the other way around 

Telling friends, families, your employer and others such as sports clubs that you are the one committing the domestic abuse 

False allegations of another ‘crime’  

ManKind receives hundreds of calls where men who have been victims of domestic abuse give an account of what has happened to them.  

If you would like to read a selection of their or others' stories then click here.  

Call ManKind at any stage for help and information:  01823 334244  home page 

www.refuge.org.uk
0808 200 0247

www.womensaid.org.uk
0117 944 4411

My Suggestions for NHS Reform

I think saving money is a good idea. This includes in the NHS. However, I think extensive public, expert and also holistic and spiritual consultation is needed to determine the best areas for cutting costs. People's lives should not be toyed with lightly.

I personally believe that the best way to go to save money is to go more holistic - including a general belief that anything is curable without great expense being required - that all health problems can be healed more cheaply, effectively, and with more lasting effects, when healed at the mental and spiritual levels - looking at the root cause of an individual's disease. Physical methods eg. prescriptions, surgery etc are useful but can be costly, serving as sticking plasters, as they do not always address the root cause of illness.

I also think that much compassion and empathy is needed - it is very easy and a common mistake, when in a position of power, to abuse that power by failing to consult everyone involved and really think about how those changes will affect them. And really respect, value, listen to and truly consider the opinions of everyone involved, even those who we assume do not have sufficient intelligence to have a 'proper' say - children, the disabled and the elderly, foreigners, etc. These people desperately need to be listened to and properly consulted, even if it means using translators and unusual communication methods (even mediumship or telepathy, music and art therapy etc!).

Morning Sky

This is the image I see when I look out of my window in the morning, thinking of you. I wish you were here to share it - I want to show you. 

Maybe we could be looking at the same sky....

Planes pass through the clouded, wispy, white gold vision, streaking across that gorgeous blue, like shooting stars...their tails white gold and beautiful like the wispy clouds....

Once more, we have created stars for ourselves here on our beautiful earth, in beautiful Stoke-on-Trent.

The Material World

I start this with a quote from my favourite Divine Comedy song: Lost Property. It touches me in a way that no other song has in this area - touches me deeply on loss and redemption. The finding of old treasures, finally, once more and the tears of joy as good old Neil passes through the sheepskin screen to finally find his treasured possessions...

Well now I finally understand what this song means to me...

Postcards and letters
T-shirts and sweaters
Passports and Parkas
Mobiles and chargers
Two tennis rackets
Blue Rizla packets
A new sheep-skin jacket
I lost it all
All through my life there have been
Many rare and precious things
I have tried to call mine
But I just cannot seem
To keep hold of anything
For more than a short time
Possessions of a sentimental kind
They were mine, now they're not
Gym-kits and trainers
Asthma inhalers
Silk-cuts and Bennies
Ten-packs and twenties
C-class narcotics
Antibiotics
The holes in my pockets
I lost it all
All that I'd like is to know
Just where do those lost things go?
When they slip from my hands
Then one night in a dream
I passed through a sheepskin screen
To a green, pleasant land
I found them all piled up into the sky
And I cried tears of joy

Thanks Neil, you absolute star for writing this and voicing what I couldn't have voicedxmtsekd back when I first heard it!

Well as I trawl through the process of packing my things and leaving oncecmore, I realise how materialistic I am in some ways - or rather, how the happiest moments of my life are recorded materially, and the happiest relationships of my life can often be charted through the material.

As much as I have tried to escape from it, I am immensely grateful for it now. Every object carries a memory. Without each and every carefully taken photo, I might not fully remember the love some friends truly felt circle.

Without green tea....

Without baseball caps.....

Without Kevin Smith films and punk rock, where would my life be now?

Without my tinkerbell towel, my fairy brooch, would my memories of love have remained so strong? Probably. But maybe not entirely. Maybe they have helped, on difficult days when all hope was gone, I could look at an object, a photo, and remember love and joy and warmth gone by...

I Feel As Happy as a Cloud

I feel as happy as a cloud.

I haven't floated like this in ages....

Every cell in my body is spaced out - literally, the spacing between my cells has widened so I am becoming steam, air, vapour, a warm breeze, a lulling sea and its heady salty misty spray......

You have made me feel this way Davey Your love, your touch, your conversation,

Who needs meditation? :-P

Every chakra is singing, ringing, shining, calling out loud.

And all because of you :-)



(Sorry if you get embarrassed me posting this stuff just say :-P )

The motherland

There's nothing quite as touching as returning to the motherland. Coming full circle. The past becomes the present. The present becomes the future, I hope! Reunited with long lost loved ones. Everything feels complete. Everything feels right. This feels like true destiny, the destiny I have been searching for for so long: love is our true destiny. Follow our love, follow our hearts and we cannot be unhappy?