To all my friends. Please Read and Forward to anyone you know particularly if they're in an abusive relationship.
I wanted to send this to everyone as it helped me a lot when I was going through difficult times in my life. It served as a very useful checklist (it's right at the bottom of the page) to monitor my own abusive behaviour (and helped me to turn myself around in 12 months, along with daily ish meditation, love and support from social services, friends and family, and time to myself).
It then helped me to monitor the behaviour of my partner, who then became abusive himself.
(Someone suggested to me recently that a woman often becomes abusive physically when her partner is oppressing her or provoking her psychologically, I am not sure of my professional opinion on this one but it does ring true that if I had had proper support as a mother from the start from my partner, family and friends, I would have been better off).
Physical abuse is easy to categorise and record. Psychological is harder, or was for me - maybe if you've grown up around lots of violence or physical abuse though, you think about it as normal and don't realise it's wrong. Financial abuse is even harder for me and is going on right now for me :-/ not sure what to do :-/
With all relationships - romantic, friendships, family, work, on the street - you have to be strong within yourself and truly love yourself in order to notice its happening, and record it, and talk about it. Understanding what abuse really is helped me here: an abusive relationship is not just physical!
Family abuse may be the hardest to heal for some, for others maybe other kinds. Long established, long ignored or undiscussed patterns can be present here but they can be healed just by talking about abuse definitions for example, show them this email)
Check the list below to see whether any of your relationships in life contain elements of abuse. I think many of them probably will, to varying degrees! We are progressing as a planet towards peace, love, recognition that we are all united as one, all related to one another.
We are luckier here in this country than in others, but we have a way to go, and some of us are further along the path than others.
The key is not to label an abuser as a demon. (But do not let your love and compassion for them make too many excuses for them so that you're staying with them hoping they'll change - they can change but you don't have to stay with them to do that and it may take them years - your safety is paramount at all times)
There is a potential abuser in all of us to varying degrees - I'm not trying to sound nasty here or doom and gloom but I really feel that given the right circumstances - stress, oppression, constant abuse by another, isolation from those who love us, abandonment by loved ones, bereavement, having a child, etc. all of us can turn nasty, some more so than others, dependent on upbringing and stress levels.
BUT to lighten the mood it is important to remember that there is a seed of good - love, compassion, tenderness, forgiveness, hope, redemption, the desire to heal oneself - in all of us. If you look your abuser in the eyes (look in the mirror if it's you lol!) and look for this seed of our inner angel, our higher or Jesus / Mother Theresa etc self (mind you even these guys weren't 100% perfect!) then you will find it and it can be a lifesaver.
Even children can be abusive by the way, if we allow them to control us and accept too much bad behaviour from them putting it down to age, don't stand up for ourselves. There's no need to shout at them or smack them, that brings you down to their level and is probably illegal (any smack that leaves even reddening of the skin is illegal BUT psychological abuse of a child is illegal so can you be sure that your punishment methods are not psychologically damaging in any way?) and from personal experience, if you can't control your hand when angry, you HAVE to tell yourself that all smacking, shaking, rough handling, shouting is illegal so that your subconscious has clear boundaries).
Babies and children do pick up abusive behaviour from their families even in the womb AND another key thing to remember is WE are the key to our own healing. To a degree, if we are being abused we are LETTING the other person do it to us. A key step to escape from the situation is to walk out and leave ASAP (leave a child in a safe place, screaming, and take a breather for a few minutes, realise you've done nothing wrong. This is NSPCC advice)
You do not have to accept bad behaviour from your child - it can learn to be polite much earlier than you might think - teaching it to talk will help it transition away from baby crying as it will learn throughout its lifetime to communicate its feelings in a sophisticated way. But meanwhile, while it's learning to talk, (and it will take it all of its life, with the right teachers, to really become perfect!) get regular breaks. Listening to hours of screaming is no good for anyone, you do not have to listen to it!) and make a mental note to love yourself above all others, protect and nurture yourself, create the best life for yourself with ultimate happiness, and stand up for yourself calmly and peacefully, communicatively if necessary.
The NSPCC have excellent advice here.
The eyes are the windows of the soul, and soul to soul contact in this way can be very transformative where words are simply harming.
We can all change and heal ourselves if we choose to. And fortunately, by healing ourselves, a ripple effect happens and others in our lives become healed too! We can also heal others through intervention if things are dangerous, using professional services and speaking out.
This is vital - when I was with Matt, noone even suggested that I leave him (or that he leave me?Also, few people even helped us get professional help - I had to beg Matt to book me a GP appointment to sort out my own abusive tendencies!! So if you suspect a friend or family member is being abused, be frank and direct - say exactly what you think - interfering is GOOD if it saves someone's life, their sanity, their emotional health) despite knowing what was going on! I think this is because we were 'married with a kid'. I have come to realise there is a massive social stigma here, poisoned by the viperous media. 'Stay with your partner no matter what, unless he/she starts to hit you' Wrong! If you wait until then, it's possibly too late!
In comparison, when I had boyfriends, people were quite happy to tell me to leave them if I so much as complained about minor things they'd done! What an awful thing, in this day and age of supposed female liberation? And men probably have the same problem?
The list, taken from 'Mankind' website.
Obviously, where it says 'male' it can also mean 'female' 'transgender' or 'child'
One in Six Men will be a Victim of Domestic Abuse in their Lifetime. One in Four Women. Transgender - In a survey of 403 transgender people, 78% reported having been verbally harassed and 48% reported having been victims of assault, including assault with a weapon, sexual assault or rape. (Wilchins, R., Lombardi, E., Priesing, D. and Malouf, D. (1997) First national survey of transgender violence. Gender Public Advocacy Coalition.)
If you are a Victim
YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME
YOU ARE NOT 'WEAK'
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
Call 01823 334244
WHAT IS DOMESTIC ABUSE?
The Government definition of domestic abuse is: Any incident or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional) between adults who are or have been intimate partners or are family members, regardless of gender or sexuality. This not only includes physical violence but other types of abuse such as verbal abuse, threatening behaviour, emotional/psychological abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse, isolation and false allegations.
It can happen to any person, no matter what background, age, job, race or sexuality, we are here to give all the support we can.
Examples of power and control: Abusers believe they have a right to control their partners by:
Telling them what to do and expecting obedience
Using force to maintain power and control
Not accepting responsibility for the abuse – not their fault
Forced marriage
Examples of physical abuse include:
Being kicked, punched, pinched, slapped, choked and bitten
Use or threats of use of ‘weapons’ including knives and irons
Being scalded or poisoned
Objects being thrown
Violence against family members or pets
Wilfully stopping fathers from seeing their children by breaching court orders
Examples of verbal abuse:
Constant yelling and shouting
Verbal humiliation either in private or in company
Constantly being laughed at and being made fun of
Blaming you for their own failures
Examples of threatening behaviour:
The threat of violence
The threat of use of ‘weapons’ including knives and irons
The threat of use of violence against family members or pets
Threatening to use extended family members to attack you
Destroying personal items
Threatening to tell the police that you are the person committing the domestic abuse
Threatening to remove your children
Examples of Emotional and Psychological Abuse:
Intimidation Withholding affection
Turning your children and friends against you
Being stopped from seeing friends or relatives
Constantly being insulted, including in front of others
Repeatedly being belittled
Keeping you awake/stopping you sleeping
Excessive contact, for example stalking
Using social media sites to intimidate you (such as Facebook and Twitter)
Examples of Financial Abuse:
Totally controlling the family income
Not allowing you to spend any money unless ‘permitted’
Making you account for every pound you spend
Running up huge bills such as credit/store cards in your name
Purposely defaulting on payments
Examples of Sexual Abuse:
Sexual harassment/pressure
Forcing sex after physical assaults
Sexually degrading language
Rape
Examples of Isolation:
Limiting outside involvement such as family, friends and work colleagues
Not allowing any activity outside the home that does not include her
Constant checking up on your whereabouts
Examples of False Allegations:
Telling the police that you are the one committing the domestic abuse when it is the other way around
Telling friends, families, your employer and others such as sports clubs that you are the one committing the domestic abuse
False allegations of another ‘crime’
ManKind receives hundreds of calls where men who have been victims of domestic abuse give an account of what has happened to them.
If you would like to read a selection of their or others' stories then click here.
Call ManKind at any stage for help and information: 01823 334244 home page
www.refuge.org.uk
0808 200 0247
www.womensaid.org.uk
0117 944 4411
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