Gold Poem

Gold
Gold is the Sun
Silver is the Moon
I am the Sun
I am Eve
Gold of heart, gold of body,
Gold of inner wisdom, knowing that it is ok...
To be naked in public,
In the open air,
In front of nature,
In front of God himself,
Looking at that grand expanse of sky...
And as I look I see...
Some clouds hurrying along,
Beautiful cotton wool wisps of love...
Others, yet higher up, do not move.
They remind me of the part of the chakra that does not move,
That is infinity.
The soul - the part of ourselves that does not move.
What part of me does not change or move?
Which part of me is inborn,
Innate,
Unchangeable?

A part destined for others to love?

The beautiful sound of the wind rushes through the trees,
Soothing me, calming my energies down.

The planet is our aura, the clouds our silver, white and grey floating as the colours of the aura float across our consciousness
The sun is our gold, our glitter, our energy, our warmth, our desire.

I think we all need to express our feelings more

I awake, and immediately, the wonderful peace of my dreams is flooded with worry, doubt, fear, grief as I desperately try to remember my dreams, clutch at some meaning, clutch at a message that I have done something wrong (what have I done wrong this time?) clutch at some message amongst that lovely calm, floating sea of pale misty green and blue that was my last two night's dream healing, that can give me help with this terrible (no the guides or my subconscious  says I must CELEBRATE the changes that are happening in my life) state of affairs - I am terrified, guilty, afraid, worried, and desperately want to do the right thing for me and everyone.

But the more I clutch at straws and words carefully chosen to try and do this, the more I feel I am ruining my entire life.

Is it such a crime to write this?

Is it such a crime to express my feelings publicly? 

Are we living in Victoriana?

In the days not so long ago of myspace and msn messenger, when we were in school, lots of us expressed our teenage angst.

So what has changed?

Does the adult world of work have to be a world where feelings do not exist, a world of solitary, automaton worker bees that soldier on regardless, never questioning their reality?

I really have noticed facebook change the expression of our feelings. The more popular facebook has become, the more friends added to our lists (as more and more distant contacts eg. work colleagues added us to their lists) so status updates began to be more insipid, fleeting, business related, fleeting, and blatant cover ups of the anguish that many of us must secretly feel.

Of course I hope that you all are able to express this anguish with a loved one, a close one, someone you really trust.

Well in some ways, I cannot. Or maybe I simply enjoy expressing my feelings publicly. I get off on it. Just like I used to enjoy doing other things publicly but sadly those days may be gone forever..

I feel that the structure of our society has a flaw - the inexpression of our deepest love, anguish, fear, even desire. The older we get, (particularly perhaps if we get married or work in a high powered job, move in upper circles?) the more we live in stiff, stiff upper lipped, everything is fine, blatant lies, feelings do not exist Victoriana.

And if we deny our feelings totally, or lose touch with them as I have for the past few years, depression, anger, a lack of touch with the very soul can ensue and we become robots.

Dreams - Are You Afraid of Your Dreams? Don't Be, Please Read

I used to love my dreams.  I used to sleep straight through the night, and not wanna get out of bed, my dreams were so good and I had so many of them, ever since I was 3 or 4 I think.

Then I became a parent!! And also a little breakdown a year or two before didn't help either.

I started blocking out dreams - asking my spirit guides to stop sending them too me, they were too taunting - intimate moments, memories of deep love, none of which were with the person they were supposed to be with aka dream cheating.  Major, major, and very nice dream cheating.

So they stopped. The spirit guides listened to part of it (they didn't send me any dreams of Matt like I asked). But nothing nice came in its place.  My dreams became boring, dull, and confusing dark and muddled, with little colour or form in them.

Missing pleasant dreams and dream interpretation, I asked for them back and they came back.  I am less afraid of them now.  They really seem to be true, if I think carefully and listen to my heart. 

At first I might think, 'But I can't possibly have these feelings for this person'.  But actually I do still have them somewhere inside of me.  Or in a weird way, I need to have them.  The level of denial and lying to myself, pushing feelings far down that I am capable of these days is quite astounding actually.

But I have decided it's going to stop.

I'm going to try and work with love and desire and see where they take me (whilst endeavouring to be sensitive and not hurt anyone).  I'm hoping that being true to my feelings will actually hurt people less than not expressing my love, my passion, my concern for others and true, honest ideas to help them.

Often I have a really good idea but because it's spiritual or higher level I worry people will think I'm weird if I start talking spiritual.  But I often see their lives decay or not get any better before me, knowing that the advice I could give them could change their lives, but I feel I'm not allowed to give professional advice yet because I'm not fully trained etc. it might damage someone...I wish I could let go of this because I'm so sick of seeing people I love suffer and being afraid to say what I really see in their aura (yes I see aura type things or tiny images and words around them).

Blogging Late at Night

Is a bad idea!

I write silly things.

Like this!

Healing from the Yellow Flower Essence (paullambillion.com) and Ray Focus from time to time (the spirit guides suggested I focus on this colour, and for once, lol. I listened):

What a lovely week it's been!  I have had a chance to rethink my career totally, as a performer, singing teacher, teacher of music theory, teacher of languages even!  I have gone from feeling totally unconfident (not a word? I like it though) as a performer, teacher, and general person, to revising my Japanese, learning totally new things about Japanese language and culture, and indigenous (Ainu) Japanese culture, deciding to raise my expectations and make sure my lack of confidence doesn't result in me working for free too much, undercharging people etc.  I was telling myself that I would increase my prices once I improved in ability, but also charging higher (although not too high!) can really help to buy in resources, motivate me to do a better job and maybe, as my teacher has said, people don't value your work if you do it for free.

I am determined to get back into professional performing, teaching, workshop leading and maybe healing/therapy with a bang - and produce the highest quality work that I possibly can, learning new skills, never feeling or saying to myself - 'This is an area of study in which I am weak'. Because if I let that idea dominate, my thought becomes reality as I start to avoid that subject, and thus my ability degrades through avoiding dealing with it.  Also, I have to commit the time.  Although the universe often puts the most important things in my path, it's important to strive to create the life I want, and also fun! I am resolving to stand up for myself more, whilst still being sensitive to others.